Every fathers day or so, despite the excessive condemnation of man hating feminazis..we are reminded that fathers are important. Why? because they teach there children, especially boys..what it means to be a man.
But then, what exactly does it mean to be a man? How can we define men? After all they do come in all shapes and sizes. There are men who are the Arnolds in this world.Plus men who are the Rod Stewarts in this world. And mostly they are everything in the middle. So how is it possible to become a man by 'learning from your father'?.
Ill look at it from my own example.
My own father died when I was barely a year old. Both Grandfathers were dead before my parents were even married. I had uncles, but they couldnt care less about me. I have a loving caring mother, and a loving and caring grandmother who both mean the world to me.
Till I was in my teens, not having a father was merely akin to something inanimate which I didnt posses. Like a Cricket bat, which I didnt have but my neighbour and friends did. So pretty much, I didnt care beyond a certain level of interest.
But things started to change as I grew older. At around 11ish, no longer could I tag along with my mother when she went and socialised with the 'aunties' because I started feeling out of place. I had to then find my self in the mens block. But there too I had no clue what to do, because no matter how much at age 11 I wanted to be a man I wasnt one. While other boys my age had there fathers with them, I used to be sitting in a group of scruffy men all alone. While they could 'contribute', even though it used to be infantile..but I couldnt because I was scared of making a fool of myself.
Moving onto sports it was the same case there. I was good at most sports I played. Even at a young age I could play with the 'big boys'. But there again something was missing in my life. No one really cared what I did. I used to come home all excited to talk about the number of sixes I hit or the number of goals I scored, but there was no one who really had an interest in what ever I did in the sports field. Sure enough my mom enrolled me in all sorts of sporting activities and even made sure that I attended them regularly, but beyond a certain point, she couldnt be interested even if she wanted too( which im certain that she did). And then gradually and slowly, achievement in sports stopped meaning anything. I stopped caring whether I got a gold medal or I came last. It was too immaterial to matter to me.
As far as academics were concerned there was not much difference there. My mom accepted a second best effort from me, probably to compensate for the loss of my father, and in her own way not trying to be too hard on me. But gradually this started becoming third best, too fourth best and so on. Just like sports, academic studies too didnt matter. It became worse when all the academic laurels in my family were won by my sister, or my female cousins. Again it was the fact that beyond a certain point, my mom couldnt do much...even if she had wanted too.
Even now as an adult, life is difficult. Social situations are most cumbersome to deal with as most of the times, one doesnot have a clue what to do. Hence Its still an uphill task trying to be confident around people, let alone people of authority.
Having said all this, reflecting back on my life...I do not know whether having my father alive would have made much of a difference. Maybe it would have, maybe it wouldnt. Also I am taking nothing away from my mother. She was the best thing that ever happend to me, and if it wasnt for her love I would have probably killed myself by now.
So then what do boys learn from there fathers? God knows. I never had one. But I do wish someone would have taken some interest in me beyond a level with which my Mom did. Taught me how to play sports, kept up with my accomplishments, whether I won or lost in sports, and pushed me hard to do my best. Mothers are great. But they cant do all this, no matter how hard they try. Its not there fault. Firstly single mothers are overburdened with 2 parental roles both in the house and outside it, and secondly...mothers are women and boys grow upto be men. So there must be some level of disconnect present. Its natural. But there are always positives. Men without fathers know what they missed out on and can become the best damn fathers out there.
P.S: Most importantly single moms` need not worry much. There Sons are unique, and even though it may seem as a disadvantage but the experiences they go through actually make them good human beings. It may take some time, and the journey maybe fraught with disappointments. But if you persevere, and have faith in your sons, they will pull through and become the men that you always wanted them to be.
